I’m really tired.
Even though I sleep well most nights, I’m still tired. Sometimes the whole day.
I’m still trying to find my routine. For sure, at 08:00 each morning I’m driving Mum to school and picking her up again at 15:00…
Other than that, it’s all about whatever I can do to keep myself occupied… Look for work, think about my career, visit a friend, take Alex for a drive, clean the pool, swim in the pool, check the surf or think.
Today’s been a thinking day….. I miss my dog.
It’s a very long story, one that I wouldn’t want to bore you with the finer details of, but in the end, I was once a proud father, but now my 5 year old baby is with her mum in Dresden and I am here in Ocean Shores.
I miss her every single day.
Some days are worse than others. I can’t go a day without thinking about her. She was my life. There’s usually 2 questions that roll around in my head… “what is she doing/feeling now, without me?” and “what would we do together if she was here?”.
I well up thinking about these questions, and usually distract myself immediately so as not to cry.
My ex and I agreed early on we wouldn’t post pictures of her or discuss/post about her online. We wanted something private just for ourselves. That decision was made back when I was touring a lot and we had plenty of fans around.
I don’t know if that rule applies to me now, and while I do want to respect my ex’s wishes (our wishes), I also feel that I should write something down, document my feelings and try to process this… Writing has helped me with a few things so far, why not with my grief?
I guess in the end, I have to get used to the idea that she’s no longer my dog.
I mean, I never had any official paperwork with my name on it saying I owned the “property” that was our dog (how could I? It was all in German anyhow!!!). Officially, I have no say in where she lives and who she lives with.
In fact, I didn’t want a dog at first. I’ve always been scared of them… Terribly afraid because when I was very young, our own dog (in Melbourne in 1984-85) scared the living shit out of me too many times… So I have always had reservations about dog ownership…
That was until the little brown ball of fur came into my life… I loved that little puppy like my life depended on it.
Although I may not be registered as her father, I love her like one.
I am her Daddy. I always will be.
I trained her, I took care of her, I loved her. And I was very proud to do so. She is amazing…
I trained her to skateboard, paddle board and hang with me in the studio (yes, I even have videos of her singing along with me). She could travel all over Europe with me, visit any number of famous locations and take it all in her stride. She’s walked Venice, urban swam in Bern, had tourist photos at Checkpoint Charlie and been photographed by more Japanese tourists than I can care to remember…
I taught her how to give hugs on command. She’d pull me in and wrap her little paws around me, it was the sweetest hug anyone could ever get… I miss them…
She is a real beautiful talented little girl…
But maybe the most important thing was, what she did for me.
When “my daughter” came into my life, I had just stopped drinking (6 months earlier). I was still trying to find the new “me” in a world where all my friends and band members drank regularly around me. I was fine with everyone drinking…. However, if anyone who has stopped drinking (or doing drugs) knows, when that crutch is no longer in your life, when you have nothing to hid behind anymore, you learn more about yourself than ever before…
She gave me love, strength and courage to do things I was scared or worried to do… She gave me reason to live…
If this was an AA meeting, I’d say she was my sponsor.
I received unconditional love no matter how bad I felt in a social situation that made me uncomfortable. She looked up to me for guidance, and in doing so, guided me to feeling more comfortable in my uncomfortable skin.
I wasn’t afraid to go places when she was with me. I wasn’t worried about what people would think, or how I would feel or think… I was happy because she was by my side, and she surely was happy having me take her places and give her treats.
We were a great team…
Now that I no longer have that team, that partnership, that unconditional love, I hurt.
I worry if I can do anything without anxiety anymore. Can I step out of my comfort zone without her??
Well surely I have come along way in the past 5 years. Still ain’t drinking, still learning all the time how to deal with my inner struggles. But without her, it feels harder… I struggle without her constant love and companionship.
I never thought in all my years, that a dog would be so important to me… She still is…
The last time I saw her was in late June. I decided to take control of how and when I let her go free. I arranged my dearest and trusted friend to meet with us, and I could pass “my daughter” over… And my friend could walk her to my ex’s place.
The idea of passing her over directly, that would have been too much… I couldn’t do it. It was hard enough just to pass her to my friend. It took a long time, a hell of a lot of tears (in public no less). The idea of giving this beautiful thing away hurt me to my core.
It still does.
She knew something was up. She was quiet and attentive. She could read me like a book… I tried to say “goodbye”, but the words could barely come out. I know I said “I love you” as often as my tears would allow.
When I made the decision to leave Europe, I knew I’d miss a lot of people and places. I knew I had to give up a lot of things… At that moment, that day in June, it all came to a head.
If, at the time, I was still on the fence about moving, I’d have stayed… I wouldn’t have been able to let her go (I still haven’t)… But as all the plans had been made, and I knew my Mum was waiting for me, I had to do it. I had to keep moving forward… No matter how much it hurt…
My last image of my girl is her walking away with someone we both trusted. (she has the sweetest little butt). I ran after them down the street (crying like a fool), but she didn’t look back.
She didn’t know that was the last time she’d see me… How could she, she’s a dog! She doesn’t understand… But I do… And it hurts to think about how she feels without me in her life.
I have not had a photo or an update since… It’s been 4 long months…
I wake up everyday wondering if my ex would see things my way and send her to me… Maybe she’d have a change of heart, or maybe her circumstances have changed… My ex knows I’m waiting…
Hope is the last to die…
Originally I wanted to write an update on how our new life down here was going, but I can’t get “my daughter” out of my mind, so I figured I’d write about her… Maybe in a few days I can express more about our life here, but for now, my beautiful four legged girl is all I can or want to think about.
I cried while writing this, and I’ll cry again if I have to proof read it again (so I’ll get Alex to do that!).
I just want to process this pain and replace it with love and happiness for our past… I really want to smile when I think about her, and laugh about her silly ways, but I’m not ready… I realised now, I still have more grieving to do…
I hope writing things down helps…
Thanks for reading,
Josh
This post is from my husband.
I don’t know if anyone has gone through something similar who might be open to sharing their thoughts and experiences on this, but I can tell you it’s hard watching someone you love go through something like this and feel so helpless.
